A little blue gift from Ward 20

It’s almost primary time and that means that the loonies are coming out of the woodwork. The Conservative Primary Fairy (hereafter known as CPF) left a little blue goodie in our doorway the other day, one that’s been a source of amusement for the adults in my household. If there’s one thing that will make me simultaneously laugh, curse, and bring me back from the blogging dead, it’s mindless ultra-conservative propaganda.

This precious little folded piece was masterminded by the Ward 20 Republican Organization and its _esteemed_ leader, Richard May. Its heartfelt, conversation-style is a little conspiratorial and extremely humorous. As an independent and staunch _non-republican_, I was roaring.

Just so that you can share in the joy and outrage, I’ll give y’all a few snippets of this masterpiece on paper. Any italicized emphasis in the quotes is mine.

_The Opener. The following paragraphs have been plucked from the opening statement of this leaflet because they are so. Absolutely. Precious._
“On Tuesday May 2nd the Ohio Republican primary will present voters with the opportunity to state if they want the moderate Ohio status quo this party has run for the last sixteen years or if they fully embrace the conservative revolution as the national party has done for nearly a generation.”

_The first paragraph’s grammar and punctuation are indicative of the entire leaflet. If there’s anything this organization is *actually* conservative about, it’s punctuation. They don’t like it and they won’t stand for it. Not a comma, not an apostrophe. The only reason why periods are allowed is because people need to be told when a full stop is in order, or else they won’t remember to BREATHE!_

“[….] Remember that moderates are by definistion those who agree with Democrats on certain issues. If one is a Republican that supports abortion like Democrats do then Ohio Auditor Betty Montgomery and Ohio Treasurer Jennette B. Bradley are two candidates to consider kindly. If one thought the recent Ohio tax hikes were justified to prevent cuts to varioius state agencies then remember that every moderate candidate listed below supported them.

The most important matter IS TO VOTE May 2nd in the Republican primary and stand for the principles of traditional values, lower taxes and limited government.”

_Gut reaction to the entire opening statement:_
Aside from the slow death of good grammar, this is pretty much what I would expect from a neo-conservative vote-sheet. _Blah blah blah… traditional values, blah blah blah… lower taxes….” The thing that will always crack me up, though, is the whole “commitment” to “limited government.” Limited government? Like the type of government that wouldn’t stoop to meddle in medical procedures like abortion, or private affairs like the gender of your sexual partner? Wow. I’d _love_ a limited government like that–one that doesn’t meddle in my private life? Sign me… oh, wait….

_Regarding the primary race for Ohio Treasurer:_
“Conservative Jennette Bradley (Moderate) vs. Sandra O’Brien (Conservative)
Bradley is a socially liberal Republican that has supported abortion and gay _special_ rights. She was appointed by Gov. Bob Taft as Lt. Governor and now State Treasurer after Deters reseigns after his scandal. While social issues do no come up normally in the Treasurers office, she can use her statewide position to embarrass our party in the media. Sandra O’Brien as the longtime county Auditor of Ashtabula has the experience to serve and is more in tune with the conservative nature of our party.”

_Gut reaction to the Treasurer blurb:_
Excuse me, but gay _special_ rights? Umm, _fuckyouverymuch?_ Seriously, what the _hell?_ First, you’ve murdered commas and possessive apostrophes, now you’re insinuating that equal rights are _special_ rights? You guys are seriously making Baby Jesus cry. Stop. It. Now.

_Regarding the United States Senate primary race:_
“Dewine has ticked off the party faithful a number of times with his moderate tendencies. He opposes gun rights consistently. A few years ago we all had to call him to have him support a federal Gay Marriage Ban. His current TV commercials say his is an ‘independent voice.’ This is the *Republican* primary Senator. His opponents are protest candidates (whither they know it or not) who will split a nice slice of votes with no money just like DeWine’s two primary opponents in the 2000 Republican primary–whoever they were.”

_Gut reaction:_
While I’m not a huge DeWine fan, I’ve gotta love any advocate of small government that also roots for marriage bans. So it’s a _privilege_, enjoying your partnered life as any other individual would do (hetero, homo or veggie-sexual… you decide), but it’s a _right_ to buy a Colt .45? God, I love these people.

_Regarding Ken Blackwell vs. Jim Petro:_
“Petro wants people to think he is a conservative. Never mind that he supported the 2002 Cuyahoga County Tax hike the local Democrats wanted in a mailing signed by him. Never mind he opposed the gay marriage ban in 2004–twice. The Sun newspaper chain does not seem to be confused. They endorsed him for the primary because he is ‘more moderate.’ Blackwell may be a grandstander but the conservative base of the party seems to like what they hear from him. Moderate Republicans and Democrats claim Blackwell’s budget cap plan for state and local governments would harm the state. They seem to forget Petro offered his own version of a budget cap plan or TEL plan. Regardless, the good news here is this may well show the truth of our party’s attitude towards race with how well Blackwell fares.”

_Gut reaction:_
Pretty much what I expected, but oh sweet and living God. They used a comma! They got one thing right, Blackwell’s a grandstander. They forgot the part about him also being a dangerous hypocrite with a seriously scary jones for authority positions. I don’t feel much love for Petro either but I’d pick him over Blackwell any day (if there was no other choice).

The entire sheet is earnest, chock full of fear of teh gay, and riddled with grammar errors and word confusion. I promise you: all of the errors were copied verbatim. I couldn’t make this stuff up–I wouldn’t want to.