Distracted Mind

I’ve made a new seasonal variation to let you know that it’s winter, if you couldn’t tell from the frostbite or the salt stains on your pants cuffs, or from the angry looking sky that’s threatening to unleash a fresh frozen hell on us all at any moment. Yes, it’s time to dust off the cocoa mugs and the warmest hats you’ve got–it’s winter in Cleveland and you’ll freeze your ass off without them.

This is a serious entry, one that you probably shouldn’t read if you’re just drinking your morning coffee and trying to wake up for the day ahead. It’s not jovial or light hearted, and it’s definitely not one that will warm the cockles of your heart on this frostbitten day, but it’s one that has to be written. It’s about why I believe what those _nasty liberals_ are saying, and why I switched political teams. It should have been written a long while back, but I just didn’t know how to write it.

Before the pictures of torture surfaced, before we heard about Abu Graib, Guantanamo and the other atrocities, I knew that my country was torturing people and I didn’t do a damned thing. It’s a shameful thing, knowing that I didn’t say anything, but I didn’t know how to say it, or even if it was my responsibility. Now I know that it’s everyone’s responsibility to tell what they know, because if we don’t no one will. I knew that there was torture.

First comes the question of how. People talk, and smokers talk a lot. When you’re outside in the cold, having a cigarette you get to know the other people outside, exiled to breathe their own fumes and the poison of others. It’s a camaraderie. I got to know a young guy, a marine fresh out of duty who was taking advantage of the education promised him for his enlistment. He talked politics, he talked about his girlfriend, his life here in Cleveland, and he talked about his time stationed at Guantanamo.

He was proud of his service, although I don’t know if he still is or not. Probably, and if I knew his name or where he was today I’d ask him, but that’s the thing about this “smoker’s bond”: you don’t always get names and it’s a very transient relationship. He told me, and others, of what went on during his time and who he met, what he witnessed, and what the other side was doing too. He talked about [John Walker Lindh](http://www.cnn.com/CNN/Programs/people/shows/walker/profile.html), his arrival at Guantanamo and the “blanket parties” (cover victim with a blanket so they can’t see assailants, then beat them mercilessly) thrown for Lindh nightly, until the young man was put on suicide watch. They did this because he was a traitor.

He talked about the things done to inmates (oh, sorry, _detainees_) to get them to talk. Sleep deprivation, verbal and physical abuse, all “interrogation techniques”. He told of torture done on both sides: the electric sanders and grinders used on prisoners’ feet by Iraqis and the “interrogation techniques” used by our own Marines, condoned by their superiors. _It’s only torture if the other side is doing it._

This young man didn’t seem to be particularly remorseful about the things he’d witnessed or done, judging by the proud tone he took while describing events. He seemed to think it was alright, because he was fighting the guilty and protecting our country. If anything, it seemed like bragging. Here was a home town boy, come back from the big world with big stories to tell and he was going to tell them.

For a while I wondered if these stories were even true, until I saw the evidence from Abu Graib and Guantanamo on the news. That was the first time I’d even had an inkling that they were any more than big fish stories from yet another enlisted boy trying to impress the college kids.

So why haven’t I written about this until now, some three years later? I didn’t want to target a young marine, just back from duty. I didn’t remember his name, which is now a blessing. I didn’t want to run the risk of writing something based on someone else’s bragging. None of these are good reasons, but rather excuses, and poor excuses at that. Would it have changed anything if I’d said something earlier? I don’t know, but I don’t think it would have–it would have merely added one more signal to the noise. Should that have stopped me? Not in a million years.

_Cross posted at [Daily Kos](http://www.dailykos.com)

It’s freezing outside, and there’s snow on the ground. My garden is full of dead and wilting plants, blanketed by beautiful and white flakes of frozen water. It’s winter, and the season is death and darkness with shorter days, no green outside, cold and cruel. It’s winter in Ohio and it’s winter in the world, regardless of climate or temperature.

We’re coming up on the [winter solstice,](http://scienceworld.wolfram.com/astronomy/WinterSolstice.html) the shortest day and longest night of the year. I wish I could say that we’re that close to a turning point anywhere else in life. We’ve been lied to by our leaders, who [continue](http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/12/02/AR2005120201409.html) to [feed us falsehoods.](http://mediamatters.org/items/200512030001#1) We continue to see young men and women maimed and killed in a [war](http://news.ft.com/cms/s/b23e069a-6654-11da-884a-0000779e2340,dwp_uuid=d4f2ab60-c98e-11d7-81c6-0820abe49a01.html) halfway around the world; a war that claims and consumes more and more people on both sides every day. We’ve seen evidence of [torture](http://www.guardian.co.uk/usa/story/0,12271,1659302,00.html) done “in our names”.

The [1000th person was killed in retribution for his crimes,](http://www.deathpenaltyinfo.org/) which some would say is a good thing. I’m not sure that I’ll ever be able to understand the concept that vengeance is the same as justice. While we [kill the guilty,](http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-williams5dec05,0,6982496.story?coll=la-home-headlines) we’re no safer from evil as it approaches from all sides; both [foreign](http://today.reuters.com/news/newsArticle.aspx?type=fundLaunches&storyID=2005-12-06T132531Z_01_KRA640350_RTRUKOC_0_US-IRAQ-BLAST.xml) and [domestic threats](http://www.nytimes.com/2005/12/06/politics/06panel.html?hp&ex=1133845200&en=ff5dc7f68f55850f&ei=5094&partner=homepage) are still out there. Even more frightening is the prospect of [evil masquerading as goodness,](http://www.reformationohio.org/) so that we may not know the difference until it’s too late.

What we need in all of this darkness is a candle, some fire to bring light and warmth back into life. We need hope. How do we kindle a fire to bring light back into the world? Where do we turn to to breath life into the dying embers? God? Ourselves? Where do we look for hope when everything seems so dismal and impossible?

“what is good about those gay pancakes that i keep searching for but recipes keep coming on instead of information?”

I ask you, what the hell?

It’s been an interesting few weeks, holiday and post-holiday. I’ve had a fairly happy and relaxing Thanksgiving, even at a dinner with over 28 relatives. I had the chance to go to not one, not two, not even three, but FOUR bars in Toledo in one night (ok, so that one wasn’t so fabulous… give me [Sullivan's](http://www.cleveland.com/dining/reviews_plaindealer.ssf?6116?6116_2) any day). I even got to make the gravy–something I genuinely enjoy. Something that I didn’t get to experience while visiting the vast, flat lands of Northwest Ohio was a reliable internet connection. Oh! The humanity!

When we finally returned to Cleveland, I came back to a storm of freelance work, catching up on emails, a whole lot of knitting, and some relaxing. Over the week I’ve contemplated several entries, but nothing quite solidified, except for a few lists, which I will now publish:

### Things that are fabulous:

- Absolutely dear and gorgeous commenters who share a little bit of their lives and opinions on my site — y’all are sweethearts for taking the time to tell a story or share your views
- Lots of stuffing and sweet potatoes
- Correctly poured Guinness
- Pubs where people can talk over said correctly poured Guinness
- Using Kool-Aid to dye wool yarn (it’s just so stinkin’ fun!)
- Jimmy Carter speaking on the [Al Franken radio show](http://shows.airamericaradio.com/alfrankenshow/)
- John Murtha finally telling it like it is (although it’s very un-fabulous that it took so long)
- Actually finishing knitting projects for people
- Diet Coke
- Cafe Aroma’s Chocolate Blizzard coffee by [Panache](http://www.iwantpanache.com/)
- Late night talk shows full of progressive and liberal politicians and writers
- People who don’t think that “Liberal” is a bad word
- Having a husband at home
- Having a 20-month-old daughter who, at one time, can actually say “apocalypse” clearly while waiting in line at Panera (sadly we have not been able to coax a repeat performance)
- [Gloria Ferris'](http://www.gloriaferris.net) return to blogging
- Black baby clothes
- Snow

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